Socialisation and the difference between being lonely and alone

Beverley Paine, March 2022

I have felt lonely, but only rarely. I think more when I was younger and thought/believed that the fact that I didn't have lots of friends, and wasn't in with the 'popular' crowd, and in particular didn't have a 'bestie', that something was wrong with me and it was my fault.

It took me a long time - until I was in my 30s - to realise this wasn't the case, that I was okay, that the expectations of our culture (through books, movies, tv shows, school socialisation, etc) were out of whack with my needs and personality, AND that there were plenty of people around like me. Getting older has only served to confirm this.

Loneliness is a state of being disconnected, of not feeling connected. I feel connected to many people through my online groups. I haven't ever physically met some of my constant online companions, the people I can rely on for support, who understand me. We've got to know each other, or at least a part of each others' lives, over time, hanging together in the same online space. If I feel the need I come online and connect with someone.

We are social animals but socialisation isn't just the process of connecting in the physical realm, though for some people this is absolutely essential. Most of us learn socialisation through media - and it has always been thus. Our ancestors passed down stories that socialised their descendants through singing, storytelling and artwork. We still do that, needing to teach children how to read and interpret those stories and how to write their own from an early age.

Our ancestors socialised in small communities, largely consisting of family groups, that got together with other groups at culturally important times. We still do this, it is still the natural way we socialise. And it is enough.

The experience of school, a relic from the era of industrialisation, changed our perception and understanding of how children should socialise, to accommodate the growing need for generations of workers removed from their traditional lifestyles.

I'm all for socialisation but when I say that I mean natural socialisation, not what I've come to see that has replaced it, schooled socialisation.