The Myth of Instant Friends

by Beverley Paine

I think we all hold such high expectations around the formation and keeping of friendships - it is something I've thought about a lot over my life, especially as a home educating mum.

When my kids were young I noticed a lot of side-by-side play happening when they were others. Even when they seem engaged and playing together, I noticed that they were doing their own thing, side-by-side, more or less cooperatively and that problems arose when what one person was doing (how they were playing) clashed with what another was. This highlighted that although they were playing a similar game, it wasn't the same game, each was on their own path, doing their own thing.

And this is how I see how many adult friends relate to each other too. And I wonder if this is the nature of friendship - that we come together to do things that are mutually interesting at that point in time - each of us focused on what we need from the interaction, enjoying being in the company of people that find that same thing interesting.

Jana suggested organising local homeschool meet ups and I've found over the years that this is a really good pathway to making connections and eventually friends. You need to persist though - organising one or two things over a few months isn't enough. For younger kids a weekly visit to different playgrounds is a popular model for homeschool meet ups. For older kids excursions, with an opportunity to eat and hang around for an hour or so after, seems to work well. Create a calendar of fortnightly events. This could be bushwalking, beachcombing, swimming, bowling, mini-golf, parkour, etc. This provides opportunities for kids to be together doing something alongside each other, slowing getting to know each other.

After a while you might feel confident to organise something a little more structured, where the kids work together to create or make something, or work on their own creation. An art or craft workshop, performance, volunteer together, etc. This could be at your house or a community venue. You could provide the materials, ask for a donation to cover costs or hire a tutor.

"Seeing people regularly is what kicks off relationships. When I think back, it was the people I saw every week at kindergym or the few of us that would hang back at kindy that formed friendships and the kids did too. It wasn't instantaneous. It took effort."

But for me, more than effort was time: time was needed to become slowly familiar with each other. We observe each other from a distance, get a feel for who we each are, what makes us tick, our trigger points, personalities, likes, dislikes, slowly grow to trust that this is a relationship that could work. And to get to know what interests each of us - I think that is important too - we listen to what the other person says to others.

This whole idea of instant friendship is a myth created by a society that locked kids up in schools and has institutionalised childhood.