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What if my 5 year old wants to try school to have friends?

by Beverley Paine, Aug 2018

The Educating Parents Homeschooling and Unschooling Facebook group was created so that parents and others interested in home educating can chat to families already doing it and to ask any questions they might have. Most of the parents active in the group are still at the research stage, working out if home education is the right fit for their families. The subject of socialisation comes up frequently.

Recently a mum, keen to unschool her young daughter, was concerned that the child wanted to go to school to meet and make friends and she was worried that keeping her home would disadvantage her child. Within minutes plenty of experienced home educators had reassured her that it is possible for kids to meet and make friends outside of school.

Looking at it from the child's point of view it's easy to see why five year olds might want to go to school. Try to find a TV show or story book that doesn't feature school as the norm for children approaching the age of 4 or 5. And the main lure for school is friends (because school locks up all the kids for 7 hours a day 5 days a week and they're harder to find out and about in the community, playing on playgrounds, etc).

Our children are conditioned from birth that schools are places where kids get to play with their friends and that having friends is the most important thing in the world. More important than knowing who you are, what you want and need, what works best for you, looking after yourself, your siblings, family, neighbours, etc. (I'm biased, I've been promoting and supporting home educating for 30+ years and seen the many benefits!)

It's only natural that children who have been socialised by books, TV, movies and by parents and friends that went to school will be curious about schools and may think that school is the place where you get and make friends.

Although it is reassuring to hear from home educating parents that socialisation isn't an issue, another thing parents can do to explore the idea of friends and friendship with their children. Mostly they have an idealised or romantic version of what it is. As do most of us. Very few of us feel complete within ourselves because we've been taught that there is something wrong with unpopular kids. Our self esteem depends on what others think about us - and this is not the end point of natural socialisation, it is the end point of institutionalised socialisation.

Just about every home educating parent I know went to school, some for 12+ years... the messages that were jammed into our brains about the nature of friendship, how children are supposed to behave, etc need to be critically examined. De-schooling ourselves, de-schooling our minds, setting them free from the dogma we had no choice but to accept as school-kids, is a huge part of learning to be comfortable with home educating, and to trust in our children's ability to learn and grow without school.

Another thing that I find works with kids curious about school is 'playing' school with them, adding a bit of structure if it is needed, doing some 'lessons' or structured activities with them, arranging playdates at our place or in the playground, and getting out and about more to places where there are lots of people.

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